I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
