Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
