I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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