I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
