just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
