I accidentally had phone sex last night
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
soo... how was my night?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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