Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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