from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
