The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize