Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
And the cops told us we were all naked.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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