i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
