Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Everclear isn't food dammit
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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