This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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