Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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