i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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