i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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