At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
