The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
