just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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