They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
