last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
