her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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