I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
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