So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
