im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
you inspire me to be a worse person
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize