i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
