i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
