I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Randomize
