and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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