I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
