Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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