I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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