Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
