I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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