My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
