My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
