the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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