I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
