2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
