I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
