When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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