I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
