just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
