I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
