Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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