9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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