Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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