i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
