Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
