Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Just invented taco cereal.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
