Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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