he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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