peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
