please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize