I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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