dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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