Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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