Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I supernannyed him into submission
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
as a side note pls kill me
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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