U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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