I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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