Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
