Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
The power of my boobs compel you
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
