Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize