You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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